i am always afraid i will be siezed with this uncontrollable urge to do something completly random and often disgusting. For example. down in the underworld, just above our bench, there is this blotch of something...i dont know what, it appears to be some sort of mix between old gum and vomit. it has always been there and i look at it puzzled and often fear that i might just lick it. with out warning, just lunch forward and lick the blotch. it is just so terrifying. and today, when i came into my Brain's self class, five minutes late, i discovered a disregarded cup of jelly beans, that seemed to belong to no one. i pushed them aside and sat down. But as i sat i was tortured by the idea that i might just grab the cup and start eating the tainted jelly beans. I wanted to push it away so i wouldnt, but i feared if i did so i might just clutch the cup and pull it towards me, following which i would eat the jelly beans. i would from then on be known as "the girl who ate those disregarded jelly beans"
im sure one day i will hurl myself off a cliff because the urge will be too strong, but for now im trying to resist this self destructive behavior.